How to Become Depressed
Who wants to be depressed? No one!
But suppose you did? How would you go about it? Actually, it’s not that hard. Here’s how you would start:
- Eat loads of carbs.
- Avoid exercise.
- Don’t socialize.
- Drink to excess daily.
- Watch the news, 10 hours minimum.
That should do it, for most of us.
Not there yet? Okay, keep going:
- Dwell on the past. Pick each negative thing that has ever happened to you, and rehearse it in your head. Try to figure out how to blame yourself. Stay on each topic for at least an hour. Then pick another really bad time.
- Never look closely at your emotions. Learn to block them out if you can. This may take practice.
- Resist naming, expressing or sharing these emotions with anyone.
- Spend impulsively on things you don’t really want or need. Try to draw down your savings and any retirement.
- Work yourself into a foul mood, then get snarky with your best friends, one at a time. If they’re not upset, try again.
- Practice cognitive distortions: ‘’Everything in the world is either good or bad; I’ll never learn to do the right thing; the few things I’ve accomplished don’t count; everyone hates me; this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to anybody in the world; if I feel like an idiot I must be one; I should/must/ought/have to….; I am a jerk/fool/loser; It’s all my fault/it’s all their fault. ” (see David Burns, 2020, “Feeling Great.’’)
- Never try to do anything enjoyable; it won’t work and then you’ll feel worse than ever.
- Getting involved in any kind of groups or causes is a waste of time.
- Never forget: anybody acting nice just wants something.
- Hobbies are a foolish waste of money. Same for art and literature.
OK – That’s 10 strategies. Give yourself a score: ____ / 10.
If you get tired of being depressed, that’s easy too: just do the opposite of all the above.
Retake your score: ____ / 10.